I am lost. I am broken. I am imperfect. But, I am His. I knew from the beginning of this journey through and to my faith, it would be a battle from the first moment I decided to create a War Binder. Was I always a believer? Yes. That is one thing through anything, that I have kept close to my heart. My faith.
Far from perfect, I remember sitting in my car, in the driveway of our home in Florida, summer 2007, screaming at the top of my lungs, for Him to come, and rescue me, from none other than myself.
In April 2005, I buried my only child, my daughter M. Coming from a very tragic situation, there are many, many ways I could have gone. Distancing myself, getting so angry, or closing the chapter on my faith. If we are honest, that would have been easy, for some. Not for me. Nope not this girl. I knew there was a fight in my heart. I knew he was there for me. I knew he was there the evening of her viewing at the funeral home. I felt him. I felt his hand, and that is not something I have ever felt nor was I comfortable sharing.. Because Satan made me feel that I was loosing my mind.. I just lost my first born, my only child, and not due to any natural cause
That evening after her viewing, I went into a room at my parents hotel, closed the door, and laid face down on the bed. No one was in the room with me, because I wanted alone time, I needed to try, however that may be, to process what I was living through. Hell. Complete destruction. Once I laid down on the bed, I was there for quite sometime, listening to the sounds of family outside the door, wondering, what they could do if anything. Community members flooding the property, to offer their condolences and support. As all of this unfolded though, much more was unfolding behind those doors, were I was alone, in silence, with God.. All my tears felt as though they had dried up, my heart as though it was beating outside of my body, until it happened. I felt the hand of God on my back.. (there, see, I said it, out loud to you..) I held this knowledge captive inside, because I never wanted to forget what it felt like, and frankly I did not want people to think I was crazy..
Years later, I remember that day often, those moments when I knew he was there.. However it did not always amount to what it should have.. Going back to 2007, as I sat in my car in the driveway.. screaming, pleading.. I thought God didn't want me. I couldn't do the one thing God asked of me. To protect my child, to scoop her up before the violence was committed, to save her life.. Something broke in my communication with Him.. I thought indefinitely I was in this area, of Him not wanting me.. What a horrible LIE, Satan! One that I KNOW is in fact a solid horrible lie now, and do not accept. one. bit.
Many, many trials and triumphs took place following, but once I knew that lie was present and existed, I REFUSED to believe it. I started my Instagram account in 2014 after a 2 year battle with infertility. I figured Satan was taking that blessing from me too.. Then we began our journey through our adoption, and the mountains began to get taller and taller, so much red tape, so many detours, and even to the point of creating a family profile without the ability to mention my sweet daughter M.. One thing is a fact from all of this, I was fighting this battle. With the thought I could do this on my own, just keep pushing, keep going, push through to the end, right? Wrong. So wrong.
I was introduced to the move War Room by a dear sweet friend.. I have always been faithful, but imperfect. I was a believer, but not the praying outloud, hands up in the air at church, singing kind. Would love to be that person, but I am scared. I am lost, broken and alone, but more than anything in this world, I wanted to change that, because I was not alone! That too is a lie!
The birth of War Binder.
I spent 24 solid hours, with very little sleep in 2 days, not eating or anything, just googling, and pinteresting. I wanted this thing, this war room, but so in depth in physical form. This battle plan, this stance AGAINST Satan.. and no one was going to build it for me. Nope. I needed to put it together. Get all of these wonderful things such as my journal, my prayer journal, my scripture journal, battle plan, sermon, oh gosh I need a church family, no wait I also need a section for how I can bless others, WAIT oh gosh wait I want to praise him, and not just at church, we have running water people! Get the post its, I need to write all of this down, I have got to put my heart in this binder.
Hold up. What in the world am I going to put this in? I am a little on the um, broke side, wait, resources. What do I have in this house collecting dust I can use?! Oh look! Paper! A planner! Pens, oh gosh Lord thank you for all these pens, but do I really have that many? My mom has scrapbook paper, I need to make pretty things for it, I want it to be God's fridge to house all my creations, even if it appears a two year old that is non existent created them, I want to put them in there! Be right back, going to search Etsy to buy all the things, no wait, back track Rachel.. This isn't about the things, just grab some paper, any paper, and put that pen to work! Guys, this was my through process.
That is all 100% authentic truth.
My soul lit on fire, knowing that I could have a spot for Jesus and I, and I didn't need anything more than what I have, where I am at, at this very moment. Did I want it to be pretty? Yes, but just as you read in Fervent, at the end of it all, I did not want to be able to pick it up with anything less than tongs. Tears, drink splatters, sweat, dirt from being taken everywhere, and shown to everyone, not to sway them, but to show them this fire that ignited in me.. but I had to share it..
I had to share it. Not something I did right away, and relatively so, I was extremely hesitant, because the last thing I wanted was for someone to "sell me Jesus" and I did not want to do that to someone else.
Faith is such a special journey, between YOU and HIM, no one else.. We have this testimony given to us, about our journey, and I feel we should step it up, share THEM, and do so with great pride... because HE made us! HE gave us this life, this chance to be something really great, and meet some amazing people along the way... As long as we have the courage..
Sweet friends, grab his hand, whatever that means for you, take hold, slide under his wing.. and run with it, and do not share it until YOU are ready... when ever that is.. and never compare your battle to anyone else's because they are all complex and so different.. But never, ever be afraid to share your testimony! That is the beauty that makes up this beautiful life. You, yes, really, YOU, all of your mistakes, flaws, imperfections! All of it! He wants you just as you are, with the time you have available, spanning all week, down to the drive home from work.. Go to Him..
He's there, with no expectation, other than just waiting for you..
I am so thankful to finally share my testimony with you, it only took me two years.. but I have finally set myself free! Having you by my side, and God leading the way! THIS the greatest blessing of my entire life.
Welcome to War Binder, Friends!
All my love,
a Jesus Loving, Hot Mess.